I'm 30, Single and Broken, But Happy (?)

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Alright, I tried to be all positive about being 30, but there are just some things about this age that made it scary for me. I know, some people might say I'm over-reacting, but I think some of my fears are legit. And one of them is being single.

Yes, I'm 30 and I'm single. I re-joined the pool of single women over 2 months ago after my 5-year relationship ended. I'm still healing from all the pain I went through during that relationship, during the breakup and after. I can't say I'm doing better now, but I'm in no hurry to heal. I've experienced the drastic moving on phase after my second serious (emphasis on serious) relationship and I can tell you it didn't do me any good. So, now, I'm taking the time to nurse and piece back together my broken heart and my damaged self.

All these weeks, I wanted to share my stories, my heartaches, everything that was wrong about my past relationship. I chose not to because I don't want to hurt anyone. Well, actually, I still have no plans of revealing anything about my past relationship except to my closest and trusted friends. All I can tell you is, yes, I'm broken.

Broken not because I lost who I thought was the love of my life. It's not also because I'm single. Broken because I felt that I lost myself too much in my past relationship that I forgot the things and people who are most important to me. And, above everything else (in the worst way), I forgot about ME.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm re-acquainting myself to the old me. I'm now remembering the things I used to love like what I'm doing right now - listening to music and singing along loudly, while writing this blog post. I seriously need to be in a relationship with myself again before I even think about being with someone.

Some of my friends tell me to go looking for someone new. I know, they're just concerned about me. But, I'm okay. I don't need to be with someone or to be in a relationship again just to be happy. Ahh… reminds me of a scene in Eat, Pray, Love. All I know is I need to be alone… at least for now.

I'm not going to deny it, there are nights that I feel sad and lonely. It's understandable, right? I mean, I was in a relationship for 5 years. I almost did everything with that someone for 5 years. I need to get used to being alone again.

It was pretty scary at first. I hate to admit it, but it's true. I remember going out all alone to shop for groceries a few days after the end of my last relationship. While I was walking around, grabbing stuff that I'd like to buy at the grocery, I was teary-eyed. Not because I was all alone, but the tears that almost fell from my eyes were actually of joy. I missed doing things all by my lonesome. I miss my independence. I miss doing things for ME… and for my nanay and brother, of course.

It's quite funny, actually, that in the past weeks, I haven't had lengthy sleep. I can't help but stay up all night, 'til 5am! It's like I miss being alone so much. *LOL*

Is this an indication that I want to be single forever? No! Hell, no! It could be that I'm not the marrying kind that I thought I was. Or maybe, I just need someone who'd respect and love my need to be independent from time to time without thinking I love him less. Until the time I meet that person, I'm here, enjoying my lonesome and whatever kind of fun (clean or the wild kind) comes my way.