It's been 2 years since I was in a serious relationship. Sure, I dated a couple of times in the past years and stopped “dating” someone just last week, and yet, here I am, on Valentine's Day, single.
I finally decided that after spending the past two Valentine's Day as a single woman, it's about time I let my heart speak.
I've said this before and I'll say it again - I am happy about where I am now. Do I miss being in a relationship? Of course, I do!
I miss being with someone I consider my partner in crime.
I miss doing things as a couple - traveling, dining out, watching movies, shopping, etc.
I miss making passionate love with someone I deeply love.
I miss cuddling in bed with someone while listening to his heart beating.
I miss hearing the words "I love you" and "I miss you".
I miss missing someone.
I miss the butterflies in my stomach.
I miss holding hands while walking. ^_^
I miss all that. Sure, the feeling makes me feel sad at times, but I'm hopeful.
I believe that being with the wrong men and in relationships that didn't work, I've grown as a person, as a woman, as a lover. I've learned lessons the hard way.
I've been heartbroken.
I fell helplessly in love.
I've been hurt.
I've cried a river.
I laughed hard.
I felt genuinely and passionately loved.
And after all that and what I've experienced in the past decade and a half of my life, I made a conscious decision to never let myself settle again. THIS is why I'm still single.
If I wanted to be in a relationship, I would be in one. My friends who know me from a long time ago know this to be true. But, I am not in a hurry. Not anymore.
I used to go in and out of relationships like there's no tomorrow. In fact, I can't remember being single for even a week since I was 16 years old. I've always been in a relationship up until 2010. Sadly, only two of my past relationships were even worth remembering.
That's why, this time around, I want my relationship to mean something. I want my next relationship to be with someone who I see myself growing old with, and not another Mr. Right Now.
I remember what one of my closest friends said to me a few weeks ago. When we're in a relationship, we tend to keep our hopes up that it'll be for forever, that the person we're with is THE ONE. She said that we should just take things one day at a time. I agree; she has a point. We have to relax and enjoy the relationship and the person we're with.
I've been with many Mr. Right Now. I've been in relationships that seemed, even early on, won't last even a year. I was right. And I still let myself enter these relationships without thinking of how it would affect me and how much time I'll be wasting. All I knew was I was having fun. Eventually, they all ended because there was no deeper connection for me. There was no future I see.
So, while the time when I'll fall in love again with someone who deserved the love and care I can give is not yet upon us, chill lang ako. I'm enjoying my friendships without any expectations that one of them will develop into something more romantic.
I've always believed friendship is the BEST way to start a romantic relationship. I don't like courtship 'cause men tend to put their best foot forward. I'd rather get to know someone as a friend and see if we'll even come to a time when I'll learn to love him. I'd rather have that than be in a relationship NOW and end it a few months (or worse, weeks) or years after because we realized we just don't mesh well.
I'm a hopeless romantic of some sorts, but I'm not ready to settle again. I've learned my lessons. And I'm happy in that decision. So, yes, I'm okay as a single, 30 something woman. My big plans for my future, my career that is just starting to blossom, my family and close friends are keeping me busy.
Am I ready to be in a relationship? In all honesty, I believe you can't be really ready. There are many lessons still to be learned. We're all individuals, and I'm sure I'll go through new things in my next relationship, so to say I'm ready is expecting too much. I'd rather say my heart and mind are prepared to take the risk again if in case that time does come in the very near future. ;)
I might have contradicted myself a couple of times in this post, but I was just typing away. Maybe, I’ll have time to edit this to get my message across. Maybe, I won’t.
This was written a month before Hearts’ day, by the way, and I only edited a few things (like the last time I dated) a day before this got posted.