A Not So Happy Father's Day

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Father's day - one of the few holidays that I don't really feel like celebrating. Though my relationship with my father has slightly improved the past few years, I still don't feel there's much to celebrate about his being a father 'cause he barely was that to me and my brother.
I wrote a tearjerker for Father's day back in 2009. Looking back, that day when I was away from my family (I lived in Cebu for almost a year) was when I first realized how much I love them, including my tatay. What touched me the most was the distance gave him and me a chance to realize how much we mean to each other. It gave way to the VERY first time he said "I love you". It was a text message, but it meant so much to me.
I've forgiven and tried my hardest to forget whatever I went through with him when I was a kid. There are just days when he'll do or say something that will make everything seem like it was just yesterday. It saddens me that I feel this way towards him.
We're closer now as a family. Still, there are times I'd wish I was raised by a different father. Whenever I see daughters who are so close to their dads, I can feel a sting in my heart.

Whenever I hear the song, "Dance with My Father" by Luther Vandross, I'll suddenly feel tears uncontrollably falling down from my eyes. He's still alive, but I wish my parents had a closer and better relationship. And I always remember this quote:

I don't need him to believe in me because I've grown to the person I am now all with my nanay's support, and my own determination and self-realization. I don't have any father issues, even though my past boyfriends told me it has a lot to do with why our relationships failed. I don't think so. For some, it may come as a shock, but my parents, their unimpassioned relationship, made me believe that I deserve someone better. That I should only be with someone who knows my worth and what he has when I'm with him. My nanay deserved better, and I know I do too.
All my life, I learned to shrug things off 'cause I know there's nothing we can do. I guess that's why my brother and I were more than driven to make our nanay happy 'cause we wanted to make up for all the things she wished our tatay did for her.
This is why whenever it's father's day, I don't feel like celebrating. While most of the people I know are shopping for gifts for their fathers, this day reminds me of what I missed from a father as a child. I am reminded of the fact that I never had a father figure in my life.... someone who should've calmed me when I was afraid.... that someone who should've protected me with his life and never let me get hurt... someone who I could've looked up to and became my role model for my ideal man.
They say it's important to not look back and continue moving forward. I can say that I've successfully moved past that. I am who I am now despite not having a father figure in my life. I just wish that someday, when Father's day comes, the pain will stop coming back to haunt me.