I Hate Myself

Tweet

Pin It

*sigh*

Okay, this isn't some suicidal, melodramatic post. The only reason why I'm hating on myself now is...

I'm smoking again.

I've quit for over a year. I managed to take this nasty habit out of my system. But, for some reason, it's all coming back. Am I really not aware of why I'm back to square one with this whole smoking habit?!

I beg to disagree... well, with myself. I know why. I feel weakened by this addiction. And it's something I'm not proud of.

I can give you a thousand excuses right now on why I’m smoking again. Okay, let me cite a few...

1. I discovered Marlboro Menthol Black, which has a stronger menthol aroma and effect that got me addicted. It just soothes me.
2. I need to stay awake in the afternoon and smoking helps me do just that.
3. Smoking during drinking sessions with friends or after a meal gives me inexplicable pleasure only smokers like me can understand.
4. A couple of my blogger friends smoke around me. And I can't help myself but do the same 'cause I'm inhaling all the nicotine goodness they're letting out. (No, I don't blame them for this.)
5. I'm allowed to smoke freely at home. Why waste that freedom?

Now, you might be reading this and saying what lousy excuses, eh? EXACTLY.

Most of my explanations were written with sarcasm. I hope you felt that.

My bro hates that I'm smoking again. He keeps on reminding me and telling me off whenever I tell him I wanna smoke. And he's supposed to be the younger, less mature sibling. Gosh. And I sincerely thank him for that.

I know he and my nanay are concerned about me. Being licensed nurses, they know how this addiction is affecting my health. And part of me is scared to die young because of this. Not sure if we have smokers life insurance here in the Philippines. That way, at least, my family can benefit from my... Argh. Never mind. Too morbid.

I swore like a couple of times the past week that I'll stop smoking AGAIN this month. And now, with this post, I'm swearing again that the pack of ciggys I have will be my last.

Please pray for me to gain all the strength I need to finally quit again… for good.

*sigh*