I'm Sorry…

Tweet

Pin It

It's been 5 months since my last relationship ended and it's only now that I realized what I have done. I talked about my last relationship like it was all her fault, that I had nothing to apologize for. But, while listening to Nina's "Sayang Naman" (my laptop's on random play... I guess it was meant to happen, I don't know), everything came back to me. A few seconds into the song, I felt tears falling down my face.

No, it wasn't tears because I still love her. Wait, who am I kidding? I was with her for 5 years. It was my longest and most serious relationship, so I can't just throw it all away like it meant nothing. She's a BIG part of my life. Though sometimes, when I feel like my life's in ruins and I want to blame the world for it, I get that thought that I wasted 5 years of my life being with her. But, FOR THE FIRST TIME in 5 months, I want to be COMPLETELY HONEST.

The other day, I was reading my old posts from way back in 2008. Most of my posts there were about us, how much I miss her... in short, they were mostly me expressing how much I love her. And, I did. I really did. I might have told someone that it wasn't really love, that I was just kidding myself in the past 5 years. But, to be completely honest, I was in love with her. I truly was.

I was heavy-hearted while I was reading through my posts. I cried when all the good memories of me and her came back to me all at once, like I hit a brick wall, a couple of minutes ago before I decided to write this post. IT HURT. No, it wasn't because I still love her. It's because I cannot believe I'm not as remorseful as I should be for hurting someone who loved me and sacrificed a lot for me.

I don't like hurting people, especially those who are very special to me. I may be vocal about my thoughts, but I'm very careful. So, you see, realizing how much I hurt her, someone who I promised to love and be with forever, is truly painful for me.

I'm not sure if I'd even publish this post. I guess I should schedule this for publishing now and forget about it. We'll see.

I remembered when I finally decided to stay here in Manila for good the same day I was supposed to fly back to Cebu. We broke up after that and she was fuming mad at me. We didn't speak for a couple of days. Then, one day, I was awakened by her, at my door. I thought I was dreaming. She hurriedly ran and hugged me. I was still in bed, asking myself if I was dreaming or if it's really happening that she flew to Manila without any notice. I later found out she spoke to her mother and they agreed that we move everything, including the computer shop business we opened in Cebu, 'cause they saw how much she can't take it without me with her. It was a HUGE sacrifice.

I can still remember exactly what I felt when she ran towards me and when we hugged for I think a minute or two. We started crying. She started telling me, in between sobs, that she can't live without me.

I didn't know that's the only memory I needed to make me realize how much she loved me and to understand and acknowledge, finally, how much I hurt her.

I can't remember if I already apologized to her. I can't even remember if I was saddened by us parting ways when I finally broke up with her. I can't remember how I felt when I finally told her I fell out of love for her, and that I don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore.

I know, the bad outweighed the good. That's the only thought in my head ever since we broke up. I guess that's why I didn't feel any remorse or real sadness in the past months. Well, I did, but not enough. It was 5 years, Mhel.

I'm not sure if she'll even get to read this. She's happy now with someone else. I don't want her to read this, to tell you honestly. I know this post will just bring back really painful memories for her. But, I do hope that when she remembers me or us that she'll realize she's capable of really loving someone. I wish that whatever happened between us, all the good and bad, made her a better person and a better lover.

If you're our common friend or you know her, please, don't let her read this. Don't give her a link to this post. If she's meant to read this, she will eventually.

Most of my close friends who knew about our story might not like this post. But, I do hope they understand that I did love her and that it's truly painful realizing how much I hurt her for ending my relationship with her. I know my friends will respect that. May pinagsamahan pa rin kami.

I know we can't be friends yet. Well, I know I can't. Not yet. I still have mixed feelings even after everything I wrote in the previous paragraphs. But, I know we'll eventually get there.

All I wish for her is that she'll find someone who'll completely love her, flaws and all. I hope she already did. I want to sincerely thank her for everything she's done for me. I want to tell her that she's one of my soulmates, one of those people who had to come into my life to break the walls that I've put up around me to protect myself from being hurt. And, for that, I want to thank her. Our relationship made me a better person, I believe.

I actually feel better now. And I hope she's truly happier now.

*sigh*

Image credit: I'm Sorry

I thought about not posting this anymore. I had second thoughts 'cause it's way too late. But, I decided to publish this 'cause I felt that I needed to… at least for myself.